I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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