Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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