i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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