The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
