I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
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My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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