she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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