did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Oh god it's open bar.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
