I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
