Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Oh god it's open bar.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
