I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
