I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
