apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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