so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
