So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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