How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
