Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
