I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
