You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
