just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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