you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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