I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
