a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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