I didn't shave. On purpose
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
that's an acceptable place to lick
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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