how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We had to coat check the pizza.
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thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
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the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.