your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.