mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
