I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
