Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
