The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
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The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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