Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
