you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My dick has a subreddit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
