3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
