i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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