I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
