I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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