How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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