I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
