We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
