y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
