Already got asked if we're dating
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
