Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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