I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
FUCK WHALES
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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