I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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