Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
