listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
