just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
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At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
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It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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