Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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