i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
