Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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