Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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