bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
