i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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