I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
