I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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