so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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